lines i wish i wrote

you chose to heal yourself

when holding to the pain was easier.

that's strength.

you learned to love yourself

when it felt like the hardest thing to do.

that's strength.

you picked up the pieces of your heart

and arranged them into something more beautiful

and whole than before.

that's strength.

--------

if you ever doubt, even for a second, i hope you remember that everything you did from that fateful day took huge courage and strength. 

You are here today because you have that in you. 

 
it's a different kind of grief
when the person you miss is still alive
when they are just a phone call away
when you can still try to chat them in the morning
and before you go to sleep at night.
when you can drive a few hours to their place,

or go to the beach that you both love.

it's a different kind of longing
i never thought i'd ever understand and live it
when they said "it's so near, yet so far"
but i know, you need this to be brave
you need this to grow, to heal, to survive

because not me or anyone knows how it feels to walk in your shoes

no matter how we try, none if us will will ever know the weight that you carry,  the nights of doubts, the exhaustion of constant effort every single day

but even if i cant possibly and completely understand the emotional journey you're on,

i still hope you know that im willing to learn

coz i can imagine how it would feel to be seen, to be understood, to be heard

especially when it feels you're in this alone.

so even if words alone can't bridge the gap between my understanding and your reality,

i promise ill always try

until your heart can let more than words in.

And even if you're at peace with knowing that you are gonna be okay on your own,

there can also be peace in allowing people to stay and love you through all this.

Coz you deserve peace, 

but you also deserve love and joy. 💛

when people ask you how you are, do you tell them?

do you tell them the truth?

I wonder because sometimes im not okay,

and people have asked, and i haven't told them.

i know im not very sick or in pain,

and there isn't any physical reason to not be okay.

but despite that, sometimes di lang jud ta okay.

And cguro we're not supposed to have it altogether, 

and we're not supposed to know what to do all the time

We've never been at this point before.

My God, especially you.

you've never been in this place in your life before

you've never even imagined you'd be in this place ever

Nothing could have prepared you for this!

So i guess i understand why people can't tell the truth

Its not because they wanted to lie,

Its because no words can describe how they're feeling.

And even when there are, there's just not enough time, or because we feel people don't care that much what we say anyway.

So if you felt good and hopeful today, i wish theres a way for me to know so i could tell you im happy for you.

but if today you had to force yourself to get up, or to eat or to smile, im sorry and ill pray tomorrow is a lot better. but you know what, at least you did.

coz it means you tried, and trying is a good thing.

I don't stop trying. Maybe i try too hard.

But i won't apologize for trying. People always make it sound like its the worst thing when someone "tries too hard", "trying hard".

Maybe. Maybe its bad at some point. But i guess at least in the end "you did everything you could."

And sometimes, that makes all the difference in the world.

That's exactly what someone needs.

But you, you are worth trying. 

"even if you called 6 months later at 3am, i'd still answer."

i know words may not help when our heads are clouded, or when are bodies are in pain

but i hope that when my letters eventually find you, it will be on days when you needed to hear these words.

if today is one of those days where youre feeling lost in all the noise,

i hope that you don't let the world consume you

i hope that you live however your heart desires

dont forget what makes you happy

if it makes you happy, it doesn't have to make sense to anybody else

its not for them, its for you.

and if you ever find yourself in a dark place,

i hope you believe that you have everything in you to come back.

if today is one of the good days, im happy and i wish moreee of it for you. 🥹

i want nothing but the best life for you, i reallyyyy do.

its just that i cant help but wish i can be a part of that life too.

but its okay because even from afar

i will always keep a safe space for you.

in here you can say anything, feel anything, do anything. 

in here i will wish for life to be kind and bearable

in here i will hope that you win the silent battles you tell no one about

in here i will always try for you

in here i will never give up fighting for you to stay. 

you are the first thing in a long time that has made me want to write poetry again. 

i may be the writer,

but you are the words.

you make everything makes sense.

if only i know melody too,

i'd write a dozen songs about you,

i'd write songs of how much i loved you,

of how much i still do,

and i'd write about how the days and the nights were so much better when you were part of it.

but for now, i guess i'll stick to poetry.

tonight, i remember how it feels...

to bury my face in the back of your neck

to lock my fingers with yours

to run my hand through your hair

to pull you closer by your waist

to lay my hand on your jaw and look into your eyes

to kiss your forehead as you leaned on my shoulder

to love you,

with everything i got.

Hows your Sunday?

Even if we're not talking i'd still want to let you know how life is going.

I miss sharing random day and life updates with you

i miss hearing yours more.

Anyway, ngpa ibot kog wisdom tooth today

I told you i wasnt feeling really well lately

That was it, and maybe kailangan pd pahuway

Ikaw, i hope dili ra struggle kau ang pahuway

Especially tulog. 

I noticed imong notes or stories are posted kadlawn

I wonder if you have a hard time sleeping pd..

I hope kabawi ra kag rest sa adlaw.

If you ever need the kind of rest nga dili mahatag sleep, doesnt matter when or where or what time, 

If you call me, ill be there. In a heart beat.

Take care of yourself as always.

I Iove you. 💛

its just that sometimes, knowing doesn't make it easier right away,

because i know, yet it wasn't easy.

i know you had to let go not because you didn't love me,

but because you do.

and right now, you needed to love yourself more.

I also know i want that for you. 

in another universe we had more time

in another universe we made it to summer

in another universe it's still March and none of this happened

in another universe you're okay and we're happy

in another universe i don't miss you like there's a hole in my chest.

sorry, i just miss you. tonight is just one of those nights.

anyway, I read someone said, "we don't even ask for happiness, just a little less pain."

i believe thats true.

i know some days get too hard that you no longer shoot for the moon and wish for unbridled joy, 

instead you just want to go through it day by day with less or no pain, and less exhaustion.

i wished that for you too,

but i dont want to stop there.

because on days that you can't, i'll be here to make those wishes and prayers for you.

i won't give up on your happiness.

no matter how rare they come or how small the doses are these days,

you, of all people, deserve to be happy. 🥺💛

and you deserve it in this lifetime,

and in this universe.

Fighting pa imong happy brithday balloon dah, until now wa pa nihiyos. 🙂

Pareha mo payter. 🥲

Ps: if the world is ending, yes, i'd come over and stay the night. I would love you for the hell of it, and all our fears would be irrelevant.

Its raining and im not sure why but it makes me miss you more. 🥹

not feeling so well today, the last few days actually.

pero carry ra japon.

I just wanna share something i read earlier,

you are such a beautiful composition of so much 

more than the things that have broken you. 

I think it sounds nice. 🥲

coz ana sila we are a mosaic of all the things we've experienced, all the people we've met, all the things that have come and gone.

so its just nice to hear nga we are "a beautiful composition" of all that, the good and the the bad, the joy and the pain. 

and we are made up of "so much more" than all those things that broke us, that hurt us.

Kana lang. 

Beautiful daw, ayg kalimot. 🥹

i miss you. Sorry daan if maglisud kag sleep kay cge kog huna2x nimo.

but i really hope you've been sleeping well na. 💛

you're worth any effort it takes just to be with you.

i felt that.

kung before it was any effort to see you, or to spend no matter how much little time with you,

these days, i would do any effort it takes if there's a chance that it can give you hope and reason to keep pulling through every single day.

I read that people have this idea in their head that the only time they're worthy is when they're at their best,

i hope you know that you are still worthy even at your lowest, 

even on days when you don't want to go on anymore.

sometimes we're forced to try to turn every negative into a positive. But ang tinuod, we should be allowed to say, "I went through something really painful and terrible, and it has changed me forever!"

and despite that, despite you changing, despite things being different

i hope you still get to find little joys in the things you used to love,

these things that used to make life bearable. 

and i wish i could pull you close if it means you get to remember the things that used to make your heart happy, even for a little while. 💛

 

your heart has seen better days,

i swear to you it will see them again. 💛

i will never stop looking at things and think,

"you would've liked this." 

when we are brave and quiet, sometimes people forget we are suffering.

so i hope you don't allow anyone in this world minimize how you feel, what you think

you're allowed to make a big deal out of things that feel really big to you.

you're allowed to sit on it every day when you need to

if only i can, i dont want to just offer words,

when what you might need is a long, tight, hug 🥺

but every day i will continue to try

i'll continue to send you messages

because even on days when our mind gets dark

sometimes, against all odds, against all logic, 

we can continue to hope

and i won't give up hoping for you. 💛

you deserve better days, 

after you survived some of the worst. 

everyday, im here and i'm proud of you. 

every morning, when i wake up, 

i breathe and whisper a wish for you

because i know, one morning soon...

you will wakeup and breathe, just like you used to,

without any of the heaviness that you feel. 💛

for now, you're here. 🥲

and im glad you have the kiddos to make you smile 🥹

i hope the universe always gives you moments nga maka pa ngisi nimo. 😊

when life starts to feel good again

I hope it makes up for all the weight you've been carrying

I hope it makes you laugh so hard again

because thats the kind of life you deserve to live. 

i hope you're able to take the rest your body and your soul needed

i hope soon the days will become bearable again

dont worry about the world

you're not missing out on anything

you are already whole 💛

i know most days you feel empty

you have all that love deep inside of you

and i hope you can see that again 

and pull strength from that as you face each day

you've always been enough

and i will never stop trying to remind you, ok?

coz thats what people do when they care,

they try.

 

No matter what, you will always have me.

Its okay that you feel this way.

The last thing you need is anyone telling you nga sayup na or ayaw pag feel ingana.

Kay i know its valid, and it helps, mkapahungaw bsan kadyot

Pero please dont take action to exit ha

I know wa koy idea unsa kakapoy and sayon lng para nako to say ayaw

But please, look inside you and find any reason to stay 🥺

For now i know sirang plaka na kaayo hearing you're not alone

But when you're ready to reach out, know that the people who love you will take your hand

I will be ready to take your hand

I promised sauna that you would never have to fall asleep feeling you're alone

And im sorry i wasnt with you ganina kadlawn

But pleaase remember you are not

When you're ready, just know that you can come home to me. 

I'll do everything i can nga makwaan bisan gamay imong kakapoy, day in day out.

Kibaw ko its your fight, pero it doesnt mean you can't have someone at your back.

I am not giving up on you.

Please, for now, hold on. 

If that's the only thing you can do today, that's more than enough. 🥺💛

If there ever comes a day where you struggle to find a reason to not give up,

I hope you'll think of me

and that thought can make you say

"I'll fight, because I don't want to leave you yet."

I hope even in the smallest way, my love can give you the strength and the reason to live. 💛

I wish you could escape your mind for just one moment, 

and see everything you deserve

because once you see it, 

once you feel it, 

you can't deny that it's real

I wish you could see just how worthy you are 
of good things, of genuine love, of happiness

You are worth so much more than the way you've been made to feel in the past, 

and your past experiences do not define your future,

or your ability to be loved the right way, 
or to be loved at all.

I hope you find it in yourself to open up your heart again,

just a little more each day, 

and let a little bit of love back in

I hope that in doing so you begin to see

all the things that are meant for you finding their way to you, 

and I hope you acknowledge that 

you are worthy of it all. 💛

I read this question today,

"If all i managed today was to get out of my bed, would you still be proud?"

ikaw dayun sulod sa akong mind. I know how tired you are some days. 🥺 And i thought what if you ask me this. And immediately i know, I would be. 

Always.

Im proud of you when you're trying, 🥲

and im still proud of you on days when you can barely get up and face the world 💛

Daghan kau gadagan sa akong mind to write about this but somehow i cant organize my thoughts and form a decent letter.

But i just want you to know that i was already proud of the person that you are, the daughter that you are, when i was still getting to know you, 

Its one of reasons why i started to love you. 🥹

When we started talking, every day i would start seeing this genuine heart in you, these amazing things about you one by one, and i remember telling myself im proud that i get to know this girl. 💛 Kaswerte ba.

And when everything else happened, even from afar and even if i only saw glimpses of the life that you're living now and the emotions you're going through day in and day out,

I am still in awe of you.

You are not defined by how brave you are or not, today  or any given day.

So yes, even when you can barely get out of bed, I would still be proud of you. 💛

I'd still love you.

I thought i knew how to love you. 🥺

But i forgot how much some things have changed,

how much your life has suddenly shifted.

maybe theres a side of you that changed,

maybe parts of you had to change,

in order to live, in order to survive.

Maybe you are not the exact same person from when i met you,

from when i first loved you.

and maybe now... a different you needed a different kind of love. 🥺

None of us know how much strength it took for you to get here  

and God knows how proud i am of the person you are every day 🥹

i can only imagine how every new day demands a different amount of strength, and hope, and will just so you can get through it.

So sorry beh if maybe my words that used to comfort you we're no longer enough today

if maybe my messages didnt make you feel as loved as ive hoped

Im sorry that im still loving you the way i know how.

Remember katong ngchat ta niana ko something like,

just because you show them you love them, doesnt mean they feel loved,

Niask dayun ka if i feel loved by you, ana ko yesss.

And I asked you back, ana ka yes, kaayo.

But now, maybe a different us needs a different love?

If only i can ask you.

How can i make you feel loved beh?

How do you want to be loved? 💛

I think some days you forget how amazing you are. 

Some days you still doubt your worth. 🥺

Some days you find thats its hard to see anything good.

Coz it may seem like time is just passing by

Like theres nothing special to look forward to.

Like the world just went on, and everyone is just living or moving on, 

But I'm not, and im still here.

And there are still good moments to look forward to.

And I'll make you remember.

Coz i think some days you forget how loved and valuable you are.

So this is your reminder that you are so loved and so valuable. 🥹💛

Someone still loves you. 💛

I thought about the times you must've felt like you're in this alone

despite having your family and people around,

the number of times you told yourself "nobody cares", when all you want to feel is the exact opposite.

So i wanna tell you this.

Gikan nis salida but i mean it.

"So, it's not gonna be easy.

It's gonna be really hard. 

We're gonna have to work at this every day, 

but I want to do that because I want you. 

I want all of you,

Forever, you and me, every day."

Kana. 

kay even if loving you was the easiest thing ive ever done,

i will go through, and stay throughout these hard parts with you.

And i will do everything i can so you never have to feel that way ever again.

You will always have me. every single day. 💛

we're all gonna take up space

and we're all going to need a hand

and we're all going to be cranky 

and need someone to bear with us. 

that's okay. 

if that's being a burden, then that's okay

because it means you love someone enough to rely on them, 

and they love you enough to be there for you through the bad days.

that means i'm not going anywhere

and im never letting a day go by without letting you know you're loved.

i hope something makes you laugh hard today. 🥲

i love youuu. 💛

Walay gabie that i go to sleep without thinking of you,

And you're my first thought when i wake up.

And on either times, i just write.

Somes days there's a lot i want to tell you

But then i just end up with a couple of lines and an i love you.

But its okay, because i wasnt gonna stop trying to let you know that i do.

On days that i miss you harder, i write more.

Ive read that poetry doesn't cure grief, but it understands. 

There must be some truth in that ba

And writing to you gives me hope. A lot of it.

I just wish you're here to read them.

But everyday i just tell myself that wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you're safe. You're getting treatment, you're eating right, you're being taken cared of.

But i know it takes more than all that to be okay, to be at peace.

And thats where i wanted to be there for you.

In your moments of doubts, of fears, the feeling of loss and emptiness.

In those moments when the lies on your brain wins.

So ill always be here, buntag or gabie, from afar.

To tell you otherwise.

I loved you before i even met you. 🥹

So this distance will never make me love you any less. 

Basta just keep pulling through ha.

I know you're tired, but please hold on, and i promise ill never stop trying until i get the chance to show you everything that you deserve. 💛

I love youu kaayoo. 🥹💛

i want to hug youuuu 

and hold your hand

I wanna hold you nga kanang akong mga tudlo naka locked hugot sa imong kamot. 🥺 

I wanna kiss your head,

If i close my eyes, i can see you gasandig nako. 

and i can remember exactly how it feels, how your hand feels. 🥺

i want to hug you bisan kadyot,

i wanna hug you so tight that, even for a moment, i can make you forget everything in the world. 🥺

Sending my love and hugs to you. 🫂💛💛💛

i'm sorry that the universe deceived you.

you didnt deserve any of the things you're going through right now.

i'm sorry i failed to be there for you 🥺

that what i can say or do are not enough to help fill the void you've been feeling.

i know you're someone who has so much life and passion and love in your heart, but life had to hurt you this way. im sorry you had to be numb to survive 😥

if only i could take away or relieve even a part of the exhaustion that youre feeling right now and make you feel something, or anything, i would. 😮‍💨

you deserve more than this. 

if naa koy mabuhat, anything at all

pleaseee reach out beh.

if you end up reading this, call me pleaase. 

I will always answer. You have my word. 

I love youuuu. Pleaseee ayaw kalimot. 🥺

Whether you're feeling anything or not, mine will never change. I love you. Hold on please. 

"may your next tears be tears of joy."

i read this one today.

and i couldn't wait to share it with you. 

i've had many wishes and hopes for you every day since we met. 

and basta wish, always positive baya na

but when i read this, i realize bitaw noh, it's not every day nga happy ta. samot nag himi ta lol 

and crying has become second nature

so this line made me smile. 

because i know, in the last few weeks most tears we've shed we're of sadness, or pain, and discomfort 😥

some are of fear, and longing.🥺

so it's a new way of looking at it.

its like telling someone that "i know that you can't stop crying, but i do wish that this time, your heart is happy."🥲

it's like another way, a beautiful way, of wishing someone to be happy.

so there you go..

"May your next tears be tears of joy, beh. Your heart deserves it." 🥹

i love you kaaayoo. 💛

Im happy for you. Im happy when i see you write with hope and love for life.

Im excited for the good things that you have yet to see, things that you have yet to experience.

Coz you deserve it, and more. 🥹

Not once did i ever doubt that you can handle anything.

Thats why you inspire me.

I used to be scared and apologetic that i feel too much or cry too much

But i know i shouldn't apologize for caring too much

I wont feel bad for loving fully.

And i will never be ashamed for the way i fight for what i love, with walls down.

The same way i'll fight for you.

Thank you. You made me experience how it is to love and be loved fully, peacefully.

I hope as you open yourself to life, 

you also allow yourself to be loved. 🥹

coz you deserve to be loved the way you should have always been loved. 💛

Ps. when you said "open myself to life fully", does it mean you're ready to let love back in again? 🤞🥹

hi. padung pako out but im wondering how you are.

i wonder if you're wondering how im doing pud.

medyu busier sa work these days

but despite sa kabusy, you still cross my mind all day.

in the morning, i wonder if mata naka

at lunch, i wonder unsay imong gikaon and if somehow naanad naka

i wonder if you're working or still getting your strength back. 

i wonder kumusta imong heart. 

literally and figuratively. 

i wonder what makes you smile these days 

what makes you happy, 

i wonder if you still play sa guitar

i wonder if you tried writing songs again.

daghan kaau kog gi wonder ba

and then it hit me pagclose nakos laptop 

unsa tika kamingaw today 

tinuod diay na nga term sah

"it hits you like a wave"

i missed you every day but just now

it hit me how much i do, like it physically ache. 🥺

Sorry. I know you dont need to know that.

i hope your day turned out okay.

every wish, every prayer you're in it. 💛

keep pulling through please. 🥹

So i can be there pohon

and give you the love 

you should have always received. 

i miss you. i love you. 🥺💛💛💛

at this point, theres nothing you could do that can make me less proud of you.

theres only so much strength and bravery we can muster in a day.

so no matter how today turns out,

I'd still have the same amount of love, respect, and appreciation for you. 💛

Sending good thoughts for you 

I love you. 💛

"Its okay if all you did today was survive."

You taught me that.

You know, after everything, i still try to find the right words to say

because i know words can't even begin to cover where you are right now.

Im not sure if there will ever be the "right" words,

or if words will ever be enough.

but you know what?

if there's even a remote possibility that one of these letters finds you, comforts you, or gives you reason to believe in something -- anything,

or gives you hope to continue fighting,

then every single day i will try. 🥺💛

and i hope every day you will too,

I hope you try to find something good in your life

I hope you try to see beauty in your world

and I hope you try to remember all the good and beauty in you. 🥹

if you need a reminder, aw daghan kag videos sa imong phone that i took of you. I hope you see yourself the way i saw you. 🥹🥲

Basta importante, you are here. 💛

Let that be enough for today.

To be honest, kibaw man ko.

i know that i don't know you that long.

but I know you enough to know that you deserve more.

I may not have a lot to offer

and i may have fallen short when we were together

but i know myself enough to know that when i give, 

i give parts of me that matters when it counts. 🥺

I'll give you my shoulder to rest and lean on

i'll hold out my hand when things get too heavy

i'll share every bit of hope when you're running short

I will be ready to listen when you feel things are too much to keep

and when you start to doubt, i'll never get tired of reminding you of every beautiful and amazing about you. 🥹

Every single one of them

And trust me, that's a pretty long list. 

So yes, i know i don't have a lot, and i may fall short in the material things and worldly comfort that you deserve

But i guess, when we take out all the noise and we're left with the things that really matter,

Know that you can count on the parts of me that will stay despite everything. 💛

it's sunday

it's mother's day too.

happy mother's day sa imong mama and ate.

i wonder if mag tapok mo sa ing-ani nga occasion

kami diri mgtapok gamay, since mga mama mn sad akong mga iguson

magluto ko buttered shrimp later for dinner, adto mi sa pikas house tanan

naa koy dghan manga so mag himo sad unta ko mango float  but apiki na adto grocery so mango tapioca nalang. ganahan ramn pd ang kids ani.

wala lang, nanabi lang. 🥲

i remember i used to send you pictures when we first started talking

katong mga luto pag new year and after that

i missed that. 

i miss telling you about my day

even my random, routine, boring days

but i miss hearing about yours more.

i miss reading about how you slept in on a rest day yet still ended up getting sleepy at lunch time

i miss you telling me how you feel, what you think

i miss knowing what you're going through. 🥺

oh well, basin asa nasad ni maabot akong missing you.

its just that, it's slow days, afternoons like these that make me remember

how easy, calm, safe, and at peace it was with you. 🥹

how we didn't feel threatened when isa sa ato natog, ma busy or nay personal time.

you used to tell me how it felt different ang calm kay though wa ka ngpa kampante 

but you didn't feel worried or scared that something could go wrong between us

just because we're not at each other's face all the time.

and i felt that too. i loved that about us. 💛

so mao nang lazy days like this bring back all of that

i miss knowing that you're sleeping at this hour or just watching another movie that wasn't even scary.

i miss being in your life. 

anyway, today is sunday, may 12th.

it's another day of not knowing how you are, but hoping that you're pulling through. 💛

always here for you.

i love you. 💛

you are my only

star that shines above me

i can see you, i can see you

i can see you there

you are my only

love that keeps on smiling

i can see you i can see you

but love can sometimes be so boring

love can sometimes be so irresistible

i love you, i need you

i miss you

i wanna kiss you

i want you

i want you here next to me

i love you

i love you all the way

you are my only

one who shows me everything

everything that i long for

you are my only

dream that keeps on hunting me

but it's you, 

but it's you that i want to keep

but love can sometimes be so boring

love can sometimes be so irresistible

i love you, i need you

i miss you

i wanna kiss you

i want you

i want you here next to me

i love you

i love you every day

can i dedicate to you your own song?

i know there's more to this,

but this captures what i wanted to tell you all along. 🥺

i hope i can hear you sing this again. 🥹

and maybe i'll be there to see you write more?

i will always be amazed by your talents beh. 

its one of the first things i tell people when i told them about you.

Hay, its just one of the many things about you that im very proud of. 💛

I miss youuu samot. 🥺

hi.

i may not know how you're doing, or what you're feeling right this moment

but I won't stop hoping that you're okay.

i'll always cling to hope that even on the worse days, 

you will be "okay" enough to not give up.

i'm sorry there's not much i can do from a distance

and hope is one of the only things i have

so i'll do everything it takes to not lose it

I won't stop trying and reaching out

and I'll keep trying  to let you know that I'm here

every day, I'll make sure you know that you are loved, 

until you allow yourself to believe it 

I can't do much right now, but know that you will always have me.  💛

you deactivated everything today.

worried ko na unsa ka

If something happened or unsa

Are u physically okay...

Are u mentally tired...

Did you just want to take sa break sa media..

I really hope things are okay 

I hope its just you wanting more peace of mind, a break from everything and everyone online.

And i hope you know im still here.

If you need to talk, or sit in silence. Im just here.

I hope you remember that i will always come find you or take your call, no matter when, no matter where you are.

Please take care of yourself.

I love you..💛

i will fight for you to stay.

you will miss

and you will say the wrong things,

and i will make mistakes,

and we will love each other anyway

coz that's what love is supposed to be

you will be here 

and then you won't

and you will hurt me

and i will hurt you

and we will love each other enough to forgive

that's what love is supposed to be

you will get tired

and i will get tired 

and we will need some time alone, even apart

and in the end we will sit and hold each other's hand

you will be scared

and you would want to leave

and i would be scared 

and I would want to let you go

and in the end you will stay

because i will fight for you to stay.

this is the love that is worth fighting for

this is not some disposable feeling that i can just give up

you are the only person i would want to fight for,

and i'll never stop trying until you let me. 💛

"but what if i never stop loving her?

--what if i spend the rest of my life only ever knowing how to love her?"

"well then, how lucky are you to love someone for a lifetime."

well, im very lucky then. I get to love you... 💛

Sorry if i might have pushed today.

I didnt know what got into me. 

Its not that i was pushing to see you.

I wanted to get you flowers and this time

I just felt i needed for you to have them.

I dunno, maybe i thought seeing them would make you smile a bit, or make u feel loved. Or at least let you know that you are thought of, even from a distance.

Cge lang, flowers or not, i wont stop reminding you that you're valued. You're worth any effort, and you're loved.

Last hunat before this day ends.

I love you. 💛

no matter what happens, and no matter what has happened, i still want to go through it with you. 💛

hey you

i know you're tough

fighting your own battles silently

handling and healing your own pain.

i know you can take care of yourself

because i know you did, and you always will.

but i hope you allow me to join in, coz

wouldn't things feel lighter if we carry them, together?

weren't each day more bearable when two people have each other? 🥲

wouldn't it be nice to not be strong all the time and just rest your head in mine?

because some days i'd like to take my brave face off and just rest my head on yours. 🥹

thats it, and then i know i can be brave again.

one thing i know though, 

sunsets would be prettier to watch with you,

because then i get to look at you too. 🥹💛💛💛

I miss you a bit more today.

Happy special day.

I love you. 💛

Asking how you are everyday feels almost stupid

Coz i can imagine some days are not okay

And i dont expect you to be

The world don't expect you to be okay, 

Or to be brave every single day.

So I'm not here to ask you how you feel, 

but to distract you from whatever unwanted emotion you're feeling, unwanted thoughts you're thinking

I know very well how the mind can be a dark place to be in sometimes

So if you need to voice it out, get it out, or even go out,

I hope you know that im here, and i can be there for you whichever way. 🥲

And even if some days i dont chat, 

know that i will always, always care a lot. 💛

Did you know

that everytime i write you a letter

I cry a little?

If i have been writing on paper

there'd be smudges on the sheets as you read them,

good thing my tears get wiped off the words on my screen.

But then again, if you were reading them on paper

Then that means you're here,

And I can hear your voice and feel your touch

Then I won't be missing you as much

And there would be no aching letters to write. 🥺

Stupid irony, right?

But don't you worry, i cry in the imissyou letters but i happycry in the iloveyouletters too. 🥹

But you know what, even if little things make me cry,

It doesn't take much to make me happy as well. 🥲

Little things are never little for me at all. 

Which is why every little time, moment, gesture with you made all the difference in my life 💛

Thank you for all the little things. 

I love you 💛

Nakahilak kos imong video 🥺😭

YOU ARE AMAZING. Never doubt that again ha. You deserved to be loved, and everything thats good in this world. 💛💛💛

Kung proud ko nimo sauna, mas proud ko nimo through all these. 🥹 Im lucky and blessed to have the chance to love you.

This was in my notes weeks ago, i dunno if i wrote this here but my hopes and wishes are starting to come true. Ang last nalng, that i get to see your eyes as they light up again. 🥹

im crying happy tears rifgt now. 

im fucking proud that #youusedtobemine 😭

------

i hope someday you will get to see how amaziiing, how beautiful, how special you are.

you made some people's lives better just by existing.

you made my life better just by being in it. 

you are worth showing up for, you are worth waiting for, you are worth not giving up on. 

someday you will get to fall in love with yourself all over again 💛

and i hope i can be there to see the spark and the way your eyes lights up 🥹💛

while walking today

i found myself rewatching our videos,

rewatching videos of you

it made me smile and laugh

each conversation felt like yesterday

it felt like you're here

it felt like nothing's changed

it felt sooo good to hear your voice again 🥹

i smiled murag buang at the sound of your laugh 🥹

at the sound of our laughs.

but then i took my eyes off your face on the screen

and suddenly an image of you new hair and new look pops up in my head

and that split second pulls me back to the truth

the truth that some things have changed

that days and weeks have passed

since i've heard your voice, or listened to your laugh.

but despite that, 

i looked back at you and i know that your voice is still the same voice that sang to me,

the same voice that whispered you love me,

the same voice that made my heart palpitate.

i know that your laugh is still the same sound that made my heart happy 🥹

i'm not in denial, i know some things have changed

but it's still you.

The same person who loved me and i love deeply.

It's still you. It will always be you. 💛

I miss you. Kaayoo.

 

it's me again, just saying hi. you don't have to reply.

i just want you to know you haven't lost the person who told you that you are loved for the last few months. 

so i'm gonna make sure you are still hearing it every day.

i love you. 💛💛💛

"Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story.

There is no other version of this story."

That was the plan, right?

Sa start pa lang, we already had that exact talk.

And though we didn't think if would be sooner, we thought it'll be when we're old and 80.

But that was the plan. 

IF the end comes, you would want to go first.

I would want to be the one left.

And now fate played this plot twist on us.

But instead, we ended. 🥺

We ended samtang sayu pa. You said sure ta masakitan rako ig madugay. I figured that. I've imagined all kinds of scenarios in my head, all the ways i could get hurt.

But i never once thought about the hurt of us ending.

Wasn't this our plan?

That we will stay with each other until one has to leave first.

You: "Me first. 💛😊 selfish paminawon pero ganahan pa ko mo live longer  ako partner and if ever man gani mauna ko, makakita pa siya og new one nga panggaon rajud gihapon siya til the end. 😊"

Me: "Ako, me last. Bec i dont want them go thru the grief and agony of losing someone they love. Id rather go thru that kind of pain than go first, and knowing they're heartbroken."

PS. Sorry this is kind of darker letter. I wanted to keep my letters positive and genuine but some days are heavier because this was the kind of love we felt so sure about, the kind of love thats strong enough to handle the silent battles and life's worsts, the kind of love we deserved, and prayed for all along. 🥺

But i won't stop hoping and trying.

Because YOU,  loving you, and this kind of love are all worth not giving up on. 

Yes, life goes on.

But did you? Did you start to MOVE on? 🥺

Please ayaw lang sag tubag.

I kept thinking about the question i'm afraid to ask you.

And until now, i'm still scared of the answer. 😥

Looks like di ra diay ko himi, talawan pa juuud.

People change, love transforms.

They both do.

But id like to believe its for the better?

For two people to love each other better.

But I agree with with everything you wrote.

But shet it hits home.

Nakahilak man sad ta. 😥😭

Iiyak pero di susuko.

"because everytime my phone buzzes,

i hope it's you,

missing me,

but it never is."

But you know what, 

i won't ever stop hoping. 🥹💛

ps: and on days you don't see my name or my msg buzz your phone, i hope you know i still miss you. 🥲

"if it is meant to be then it will come back"

i know right now i can't wrap my arms around you
i know i can't hold your hand,
so, for now i'll wrap my head around memories of you
and ill hold on to hope
that one day i get to do both. 💛

Until then, if you need me i'm here.
If you don't need me, I'm still here. 
I may not know where you are exactly
But in case, you know where and how to find me. 🥹💛

amazing sunset today, i wish you could've seen it. 💛

Practice #4

Painted one again. But the colors didn't make much sense. Lol Hurot na ang uban colors for blending.

I'm gonna try oil painting next time. 🤞🥲

It's saturday, 4th. I wonder how your morning is.

I hope today turns out better than yesterday. 💛

Init kaayo sa gawas jud. I hope you're comfortable wherever you are. I know di ka ganahan alimuot ug singot. 

Bisan init, lami japon kaau i tambay ug beach, ang view ug hangin. I wish we can go again to one pohon. 🥹💛

Take care pirmeee. I'll be here. 

What makes you so sure that you love me?

I saw this question last night and it made me think. Kibaw naka nako, kung ma thinking mode. 🥲 So i wrote this in my notes last night.

What makes me so sure that I love you?

Because despite the fact that i know i will have my heart shattered when you're gone, i will still choose you and choose to be with you in a heartbeat. 🥺

Because i see myself taking every possible risk coz you are so worth every one of them.

Because leaving you was never on the table,

And when i look further down the road, you are the only one i can see myself doing life with. 💛

Because i've tried imagining life without you, and it breaks my heart, every single time. 🥺

Because if there's even the smallest flicker of hope that we can be together again, i will guard that flicker and wait for that moment.

Because you made me feel the most peace.

You showed me and made me feel the calmest and purest of love.

Because you made me want to be better, to do better.

You showed me how unconditional and selfless love can be. 

Because loving you made me realize that when its real, love has no measure or limit. Loving you made me want to go above and beyond for you, without feeling like im abandoning myself in the process. 🥺💛

Because above everything else, i want nothing but your comfort and happiness. 💛

Because loving you and being loved by you made me realize that even once-broken souls are still whole; they just need the right people who will stick with them and love them enough that they will remember how it feels to be whole. 🥺

And because after everything and everyone, i've never felt this sure with anyone else. 💛